I am a 36 year old INTJ female. I appreciated your article and I am just beginning to interact with other INTJs online. I would like suggestions of INTJ/INTJ female forums, communities and groups I could join. Possibly even meet-up groups in my area, if anyone has recommendations.
I know of 3 supposed INTJs (all male), one of whom I suspect chose INTJ because he wanted to appear different/unique/rare, but I know him quite well and I don't believe he is actually an INTJ. One who I think believes he is INTJ, but got it wrong or told me he was INTJ because he was interested in me (complete and total turn-off) and one who I don't actually know personally.
I administered MBTI tests at my last job (working for a community college) and it was my task to keep track of the results, which is how I know of these individuals. I, ofcourse, was the only INTJ female (in 7 years of results from incoming college students). There was maybe one other true INTJ (male).
I have always had severe social anxiety and depression and the only friends I have actually kept throughout the years are the (2) friends I made when I was very little. They are probably typical of friends of an INTJ (they live in another state and we don't speak very often, but when we do, it's easy enough). My sister is probably my best friend, I think she's ISFP maybe, but she hasn't officially taken the test. I only took the MBTI in my mid-twenties and once I had thoroughly researched MBTI and INTJs, it was the greatest sense of relief I've ever had. I still felt/feel that I am a freak, but at least I have validation and explanation as to why :)
I don't know if all INTJs do this, but at a very young age I learned social interactions by mimicing others (all children do this, but...), I didn't really feel or understand why they acted the way they did, but I acted like them so they would feel more comfortable in my presence and so they would like me, more of a necessary survival thing than truly feeling it. I obviously recognized from a young age that I did not fit in.
However, this mimicry is more of a game or a challenge for me, I don't necessarily like the person I'm talking to all that much, but I don't beleive that they should feel uncomfortable just because they are not my type. Also, Itryto believe thatall peoplehave something interesting to talk about, regardless of their MBTI type, their intelligence or their hobbies. I want to find that interesting/intellectual thing and hash it out with them, to collect information, but I don't necessarily want to be their friend. Apparently, other people value 'friendship' more than good conversations. ha.
So, I'm hyperaware about their comfort and whether or not they respond positively to me. I am very good at switching on the personality/mannerisms/traits/speech patterns of the person I'm with and talking about a wide range of subjects that all actually interest me or I can spin to interest me. Even the most mundane subjects can be gleaned of interesting info. Ofcourse, all of this only works very well mono-a-mono. Otherwise, it's 'worlds colliding' a la George Costanza and I can't keep up with the different mannerisms and traits of all the people in a group and I just shut-down.
Anyhow, this can get me into major trouble, because apparently I'm so good at it, that the people who I talk to actually start liking me (blech), but don't actually see my true colors. They tend to want to hang out more, but I just find faults and inconsistencies in their thoughts/beliefs/actions the more I talk to them, and I can't keep up the charade forever. Then, they start noticing that I just don't respond to invitations and I stop hanging out with no explanation, whichIhave no real problem with, but apparently people really dislike lack of communication for no reason ;)
Needless to say, the vast majority of people willing to have interesting conversations with me, and then actually become my good friends, are male.... more on this later....
我的丈夫是一个ENFP。我只研究这个工程r we got hitched but, apparently INTJs and ENFPs work really well together :) Happy serendipity. For other INTJs that are looking for a relationship, you might try an ENFP, they are frustratingly wonderful :) I'm happy that I'm married but, now, I feel that I need some friends. Female-Only friends. This will be difficult.
Back to my (male) friends. The folks that I was able to make longer term connections with and be my true self, were pretty much all male. Guess what happened?.... they started liking me (in a sexual/relationship way) E.V.E.R.Y. T.I.M.E. How insanely dissapointing!!!!! I never gave them any cues as to wanting to be in a relationship, but every time, this is what would happen: We would be "friends", have great conversations and experiences together, sometimes even FOR YEARS, and then they would express their sexual/relationship desire for me. I would tell them I wasn't interested, but wanted to be friends (SOOO important to me), and they would LEAVE. Apparently, because I'm not worth anything more than my vagina.
After basically 20 years of this happening time and time again, after I still defended the idea that males and females could be friends, I've finally come to the conclusion that it is not possible for males and females to be friends. Not because I don't want to be friends with them, I do (I relate to males much more easily than females), but because males do not allow it and I don't know if it's just this time period and culture of misogyny or if it's innate. I don't know that I care anymore, but I do know that I now ONLY have the option of female friends. Being an INTJ female makes it extremely difficult for me, which is why I read this article in the first place. So, it's nice to know that other people are thinking about similar things.
Bevhin (not verified)says...
I am a 36 year old INTJ female. I appreciated your article and I am just beginning to interact with other INTJs online. I would like suggestions of INTJ/INTJ female forums, communities and groups I could join. Possibly even meet-up groups in my area, if anyone has recommendations.
I know of 3 supposed INTJs (all male), one of whom I suspect chose INTJ because he wanted to appear different/unique/rare, but I know him quite well and I don't believe he is actually an INTJ. One who I think believes he is INTJ, but got it wrong or told me he was INTJ because he was interested in me (complete and total turn-off) and one who I don't actually know personally.
I administered MBTI tests at my last job (working for a community college) and it was my task to keep track of the results, which is how I know of these individuals. I, ofcourse, was the only INTJ female (in 7 years of results from incoming college students). There was maybe one other true INTJ (male).
I have always had severe social anxiety and depression and the only friends I have actually kept throughout the years are the (2) friends I made when I was very little. They are probably typical of friends of an INTJ (they live in another state and we don't speak very often, but when we do, it's easy enough). My sister is probably my best friend, I think she's ISFP maybe, but she hasn't officially taken the test. I only took the MBTI in my mid-twenties and once I had thoroughly researched MBTI and INTJs, it was the greatest sense of relief I've ever had. I still felt/feel that I am a freak, but at least I have validation and explanation as to why :)
I don't know if all INTJs do this, but at a very young age I learned social interactions by mimicing others (all children do this, but...), I didn't really feel or understand why they acted the way they did, but I acted like them so they would feel more comfortable in my presence and so they would like me, more of a necessary survival thing than truly feeling it. I obviously recognized from a young age that I did not fit in.
However, this mimicry is more of a game or a challenge for me, I don't necessarily like the person I'm talking to all that much, but I don't beleive that they should feel uncomfortable just because they are not my type. Also, Itryto believe thatall peoplehave something interesting to talk about, regardless of their MBTI type, their intelligence or their hobbies. I want to find that interesting/intellectual thing and hash it out with them, to collect information, but I don't necessarily want to be their friend. Apparently, other people value 'friendship' more than good conversations. ha.
So, I'm hyperaware about their comfort and whether or not they respond positively to me. I am very good at switching on the personality/mannerisms/traits/speech patterns of the person I'm with and talking about a wide range of subjects that all actually interest me or I can spin to interest me. Even the most mundane subjects can be gleaned of interesting info. Ofcourse, all of this only works very well mono-a-mono. Otherwise, it's 'worlds colliding' a la George Costanza and I can't keep up with the different mannerisms and traits of all the people in a group and I just shut-down.
Anyhow, this can get me into major trouble, because apparently I'm so good at it, that the people who I talk to actually start liking me (blech), but don't actually see my true colors. They tend to want to hang out more, but I just find faults and inconsistencies in their thoughts/beliefs/actions the more I talk to them, and I can't keep up the charade forever. Then, they start noticing that I just don't respond to invitations and I stop hanging out with no explanation, whichIhave no real problem with, but apparently people really dislike lack of communication for no reason ;)
Needless to say, the vast majority of people willing to have interesting conversations with me, and then actually become my good friends, are male.... more on this later....
我的丈夫是一个ENFP。我只研究这个工程r we got hitched but, apparently INTJs and ENFPs work really well together :) Happy serendipity. For other INTJs that are looking for a relationship, you might try an ENFP, they are frustratingly wonderful :) I'm happy that I'm married but, now, I feel that I need some friends. Female-Only friends. This will be difficult.
Back to my (male) friends. The folks that I was able to make longer term connections with and be my true self, were pretty much all male. Guess what happened?.... they started liking me (in a sexual/relationship way) E.V.E.R.Y. T.I.M.E. How insanely dissapointing!!!!! I never gave them any cues as to wanting to be in a relationship, but every time, this is what would happen: We would be "friends", have great conversations and experiences together, sometimes even FOR YEARS, and then they would express their sexual/relationship desire for me. I would tell them I wasn't interested, but wanted to be friends (SOOO important to me), and they would LEAVE. Apparently, because I'm not worth anything more than my vagina.
After basically 20 years of this happening time and time again, after I still defended the idea that males and females could be friends, I've finally come to the conclusion that it is not possible for males and females to be friends. Not because I don't want to be friends with them, I do (I relate to males much more easily than females), but because males do not allow it and I don't know if it's just this time period and culture of misogyny or if it's innate. I don't know that I care anymore, but I do know that I now ONLY have the option of female friends. Being an INTJ female makes it extremely difficult for me, which is why I read this article in the first place. So, it's nice to know that other people are thinking about similar things.